A Sarcastic Endeavor
by OverlyDramatic
Summary: Making fun of Dasey cliches, even though I love the pairing. Not quite like the last one, but possibly related.


I'm posting this instead of continuing Figuring out Family, mainly because it was already written. I'll finish the next chapter in a few days. This one is not a continuation of A Satire, thus it has it's own title and link. It's actually quite different from my previous endeavor, as this story makes fun of clichés and has personal jokes by yours truly. It has much more sarcastic stupidity and much less actual satire. Let me know which version you like better, for I will probably write more of these in the future. WARNING: This story makes light of serious material, such as rape. This is not meant as offense, I know it is a serious subject. I'm making fun of the way people use it, not the actual thing. If this offends, don't read.

**Disclaimer: In no way is any of this mine. Except the mild sarcasm.**

Casey was sitting in the kitchen when the phone started ringing. There was something about that sound, that hollow, foreboding ding, that struck Casey's intuition. Or maybe it was just the fact that something weird always happens in the first three sentences of a story. Nora answered the phone, but even though Casey was sitting right there, she had no clue that her mother's mouth dropped open in shock. But maybe that's because it really didn't, since the upcoming plot point is yet another contrived situation to get rid of the family without viciously stabbing and or maiming--though that option has not been ruled out--so that Casey and Derek can have sex without the fear of discovery. Not that they can hide for long. And, you know, they may discover feelings or something too.

So Nora walks up to Casey, because women always discuss important events with their fifteen year old daughters before their husbands.

"That was your Great Aunt Norma Jean Lou Mae." Nora said, barely tripping over the name at all. She may have slipped into an Alabama accent, though. Because those redneck accents run rampant through Canada. Damn hicks. Anyways, Casey looks blankly at Nora.

"Who?" This is a valid question, as Great Aunt Norma Jean Lou Mae (isn't that just fun to say? hey a rhyme! Isn't the author just so clever in this little aside?) does not actually exist. In case the author's witty diatribe confused that sentence, I will say again that Aunt NJLM does not exist. She is but a spontaneous case of evolution somehow related to the MacDonalds who happened to telephone them at the exact moment before Casey's emotional meltdown. Isn't irony grand? Or maybe that's coincidence. Anywhoodles (I say such words because they just sound so intellectual, you know?), Nora finally replied.  
"She's your grandmother's sister's ex-boyfriend's wife. She recently wanted to find us so she hired a private investigator to invade our privacy."

"Oh," Casey said, not surprised at all. "Is that the guy who looks through our trash?"

"Indeed," Nora said, sounding quite intellectual. Then George and the rest of the family appeared, because their Family Drama Senses were tingling. Which actually tickles sometimes.

"Do I feel a family trip coming on?" Edwin asked.

"No," George said.

"Actually, Great Aunt Norma Jean Lou Mae just called . . ." Nora began.

"Yes," George said in correction of his previous statement.

"She wants us to go visit her in THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." (Because America rules the world and whenever a show is based somewhere else, the characters must visit the US. Most authors are just original like that.)

"Does this mean a road trip?" Lizzie asked excitedly.

"Why yes, it does." Nora told her daughter.

Everyone jumped up and down excitedly, except for Derek and Casey, who didn't want to go. Nora and George were happy because they wanted a vacation and their bosses would only let them go to find long lost relatives. Edwin and Lizzie were excited because this was their big chance to kiss (don't worry, just a peck. They're only eight, guys). And Marti was excited because she's Marti, but she wasn't really all that excited since most authors forget about the cute little two year old.

"Now, kids," Nora interrupted, because on a feminist show such as this the woman always gets to make the rules. "George and I have discussed things, and we don't think Derek and Casey should go." Through their jubilation at the utter coincidence of them not being allowed to do what they didn't want to do in the first place, Casey and Derek didn't stop to marvel at the sudden skill their parents had earned: telepathy.

"Why not?" Lizzie asked.

"Well," George said, trying to make out the hand signs his puppeteer wife was making. "I think she says, Casey will want to work on homework." Here he stopped to give his wife a 'duh' look. "And if Derek misses his hockey game tomorrow, he'll never get into college."

"You mean I can't get in on grades alone?" Derek asked sarcastically.

"Well," Nora interrupted. "I think you kids have learned your lessons about throwing high school parties."

"But Derek, we made no mentions of parties in your pants," George said with a wink, cause he's the cool guy. "So have lots of girls over."

Then everyone went to their bedrooms, and most people started packing. Derek, in an odd display, didn't schedule a date. Casey, however, did.

"Hey Sam, my parents are going out of town. Want to come over tomorrow?"

"Whoo!"

"What was that Sam?"

"Oh, nothing. You know, TV."

Their conversation mysteriously ended with nary a goodbye or click of the phone. The next day their family left with a few reminders to behave. As soon as they walked out the door, really they were still close enough to look in the window, Derek kissed Casey. She melted into him, then told herself, 'I have a boyfriend,' and reluctantly pushed her stepbrother away. But really, shouldn't Casey be thinking, "I'm more attracted to my stepbrother who I supposedly hate than my boyfriend. Why am I dating him?" She didn't though, because at that exact moment the doorbell rang. Derek jumped on the couch, stuck his feet on the table and burped, just to show Casey he didn't care.

"Hey Sam," Casey greeted, pretty as pie. They went upstairs to her bedroom and shut the door. Casey was ready to discuss deep and introspective things when Sam started making out with her! Come on, who _does that_? Especially in a room with the door shut while the parents are out of town. Soon, Sam tried to rip off her pants. Casey told him to stop, but he wouldn't. She started crying and he starts raping her when the door banged open. Lo and behold, the night in greasy armor! Derek gets really mad and starts punching Sam. Then Sam runs away like a wuss.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks, completely sweet. Actually, yes. I love getting my pants ripped off by my boyfriend and having my stepbrother walk in while he rapes me. When Casey cries more, Derek holds her tenderly, and she is not at all creeped out by this despite occurrences not two minutes earlier.

The next day Casey has gotten over her scare. She sits down in front of the TV to watch something educational when Derek grabs the remote from her hand. Casey is surprised, because that's never happened before.

"You're going to watch something senseless and violent!" she accuses. No, he's going to watch a nature hike. But she doesn't think to accuse him of watching porn or something, because that would be inappropriate. They start to wrestle, and suddenly, in a completely random display of gravity, their lips collide. They melt into each other's touch, dropping the remote uselessly on the floor. But then Casey gets up suddenly, and Derek looks smug.

"Ha! Almost laid you!"

"You are such a jerk!" Casey yells then walks off. Derek decides to take a shower to calm his nerves, because he secretly liked the kiss. Ten minutes later, Casey decides a soothing shower is in order. This may be because of the bathroom scene in the party; after such heartfelt bathroom bonding, they can't help but gravitate there together. Casey walks into the bathroom and strips naked. She pulls back the shower curtain and screams, because there is naked Derek! But after the scream she ceases all movement and they stare at each other. Because it is totally unrealistic for a prude like Casey to run away when naked in the presence of her naked stepbrother.

"Wow, he's really hot," Casey thinks. "And he's got a really nice . . ." Oh wait, Casey's a prude, remember? So she actually thinks. "No no no nonononononononononononono, he is not hot! You have a boyfriend who loves you. He probably just didn't hear me say no. I'm bad at pronouncing that word, as I'm sure everyone can tell."

"Why are you in here?" Derek asks, intent on holding a normal conversation despite the awkward situation.

"To take a shower," Casey says shyly, because she would be shy and not pissed in such a situation. "You didn't lock the door!" she accuses suddenly, as if she just remembered the fact.

"The handle broke. Again. I think we need a new door, really. And these people need new plot points. So why didn't you stop when you heard the shower?"

"Marti was screaming."

"Oh. She's not here." Derek remembered.

"Right. I think the author couldn't remember the beginning of the story, so she decided to delete the Marti thing later and never got around to it."

"So, why didn't you stop when you saw the steam?" Derek asked.

"I thought someone had turned our bathroom into a day spa," she explained. Her mom had been working on George, you see.

"Makes sense," Derek agreed.

Then the author thought to herself, if only I could have contrived a fight over the remote in the shower! That way when their lips coincidentally touched, they would have been naked and there would be a nice sex lead in. Curse you, modern science! Why haven't you invented a waterproof remote so people can watch TV in the shower?

"I'm going to go," Casey says, running out. Then Derek looks down at his hard on, which Casey didn't notice. In fact, he hadn't noticed it til then either. Ain't life funny? Lucky he was in the shower--how cold do those things go?

When Casey woke up the next day she felt sick. She thought she had the flu, but went to the doctor just in case. "You're preggers," the doctor said apologetically. Casey was devastated and lonely. She went home, and in her depression found Derek to be a perfectly sweet guy who took care of her. Because he somehow knew without her speaking a word what had happened. Apparently mind reading is something they teach at hot guy school, along with being sweet and funny.

"I love you," he said out of the blue.

She looked up, utterly happy instead of hopelessly confused. "Really?" But then she remembered Sam, who was her Baby Daddy. "But . . ." Just then, the doorbell rang. Casey went to answer the door, and lo and behold! It's Sam! "What a coincidence!" she says happily. "I was just thinking about you!" She leaned up to kiss him, because really, she was just being over dramatic before. She stopped in shock when he pulled away. "But Sammy-doodles," she said with her best puppy dog face. Which actually looked nothing like a puppy, and more like a pouting child.

"Casey, I don't love you!" Sam cried cruelly. "You're an uptight tease! I have a new girlfriend!" Casey started crying while Emily stepped out from behind Sam.

"Casey! I'm dating Sam! Aren't you so happy for me?" she gushed, obviously on drugs of some sort. She started giggling out of control, then, just to show her best friend how happy she was, she started making out with Sam.

"Oh, Emily!" Casey said sweetly. "You have a boyfriend? I am so happy for . . .wait, you broke us up! You dirty bitch-whore!" Casey yelled, using her extensive vocabulary to come up with the proper term.

"Why aren't you happy for me?" Emily asked, confused. Then a dark light seemed to pulse behind her eyes, and her voice became low and evil. "Ha! You never discovered my insidious plot! I only became your friend to steal your boyfriend, even though you weren't dating him at the time. I used to want Derek because you totally love him, but now I want Sam because you have him! I freaking hate you!" Then she returned to normal and chirped happily, "Bye Casey!" pulling Sam out the door and sticking her hand down his pants as they walked to the car. He seemed to be enjoying himself, but that may have been a trick of the light because there's really nothing enjoyable about that.

"Oh, Derek!" Casey cried melodramatically, though not before yelling, "Bitch!" over her shoulder at Emily. "I'm so horribly distraught!" Derek wrapped her in his loving arms and she immediately felt better. "Oh, well. This just means I can date you now. But wait," she added in distress, "Now no one will help me raise my child!" As if she would be the first single mother in existence.

"Do not fear!" Derek said heroically. "I will raise your baby, as if it were my own!"

"Aw!" she said, despite the fact that most boys abhor being cooed at. "Wanna screw me?" she said suggestively, licking her lips sexily. "After all, I'm already knocked up."

"Yeah!" Derek shouted, then added, because he's really just so sweet and considerate, "but only if you're _sure_." She nodded her head and he yelled, "Great! My first lay!"

"Derek," Casey said in shock, her feminist ideals apparently on vacation as she ignored his sexist language, "Haven't you slept with all those girls?"

"No, Casey," he told her romantically. "I've always been saving myself for you, despite the fact that I just now realized I liked you. It was my subconscious," he stage whispered. Then they happily jumped in the sack, glad Casey was pregnant so they didn't have to go buy condoms. They had sex all day and night, and for the next few days too. They sexed up every room in the house, conveniently forgetting that they and their whole family lived/ate/slept there.

When their family returned, Casey tearfully told them what had happened with Sam. "But it's okay," she added, "because Derek will help me raise my future hockey star. I've just now decided hockey is really hot, you know," she added. George and Nora were so happy their kids had realized their feelings; because they're cool parents and they knew all along. Everyone helped Casey through the pregnancy, and when the little tyke popped out, Derek was right there beside her.

"He looks just like you," Derek cooed in a manly way. Because hot guys can create oxymorons just by existing.

"No," Casey said, gazing between her two favorite men. She kinda liked Edwin and George, too, but all other men were scum. Those feminist ideas had to go somewhere, after all. "He looks just like you!" They found it was true, even though Derek wasn't the father. They stayed with their parents, converting Casey's room into a nursery (of course, she moved in with Derek, and none of the little kids were scarred for life. Well, they were, but they wouldn't find that out til they paid millions in therapy). The little boy--who the author was too lazy to name, so we'll just call him Bob (see how the author slyly slipped a show reference in to showcase her knowledge?)—grew up to be a hockey star just like his dad. Who wasn't really his dad. And everyone was really happy, especially when Casey had Derek's baby girl not five months after Bob was born.

**DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD**

Yes, this was obviously higher on the stupidity level. I wrote it when I was semi-conscious at 2 am, but I think it turned out alright. Let me know.


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